"I HAVE A SECRET"
By Steve Van Nattan
Editor: Balaam's Ass Speaks, Steve Van Nattan
Secrets are fun. As kids we felt so important if we had some "inside information." We doled it out to those we liked or wanted to influence. When we grow up, we still hold secrets and gather "inside information" which we can use to inform and influence our friends. You don't believe me? Then why do you read the headlines on the National Enquirer as you go through the checkout stand? Ha! I caught you. Did you hear about the kid born in Vermont whose father is a Martian? Well, stay tuned and I'll tell you about it some time-- Just don't tell anyone :-)
Secrets abound these days. The great secrets are the ones carefully guarded by the secret societies and esoteric religions of the world. Be patient, we are on our way into the Lord's Church and a very nasty development, so think with me as I browse some of the secret-promoting groups:
1. Hinduism, Buddhism, and Shintoism. They have secret mantras and secret doctrines held in their temples by their holy men. If you are very submissive, a guru will whisper a mantra in your ear which he claims he got right from the Ascended Masters. The last secret of the East is the Brahman. No one knows what goes on in the Brahmanic minds in Nirvana. It is said that they are in a place of absolute nothingness, but what if nothingness is just a cover story for the ultimate secret? Thus, the Eastern religions throb with the urgently unknown. I have 140 of their writings to back me up in this conclusion.
2. The New Age, Yoga, and Transcendental Meditation. These are directly a result of the Eastern religions getting into the West. They still thrive on the great secret, and for $800 you can get a full load of secrets at Esalan retreat, out in the cabbage patch at Findhorn in Scotland, or at the Ashram in Alabaluunga Gezuunga. It is very obvious by now that the secret is very profitable. Rajneesh proved that with his 59 Rolls Royces.
3. Freemasonry. I love to tell their secrets. These are grown men who still pass secrets around like little boys, but the secrets are very nasty compared to those of a bunch of 10 year olds. Freemasonry has the following secrets.
There are numerous secret handshakes. There are distress signals with the hands and in certain steps of walk. There is a statement, "I'm just a traveling man; I traveled to the East, and I traveled back again; When I was there I left a few drops of urine." Try that one on the cop who stops you, and if he is a Freemason, he will smile and tell you to go on. They also have a secret word made up of the names Jehovah, Baal, and On, the Egyptian god-- it is JABULON, and it is the blasphemy.
They also believe that Lucifer is God, at least according to Supreme Pontiff Albert Pike. There are many secret oaths and procedures they follow to initiate their victims.
4. Mormonism. They have secret gold plates which are so secret that no one but Joe Smith ever saw them. They also have secret ceremonies in their temple at baptism and marriage where (in the recent past) men rubed other men's privates, and ladies did the same. Most religious secrets are secret for a very good reason-- they are disgusting. Jerald and Sandra Tanner got saved back in the early 70s, and when they left Mormonism, they SECRETLY went into the secret chambers and archives of the Mormon Temple, and they photo copied the whole mass of secrets. I have their book to back up what I say here.
5. Jehovah's Witness. They have secrets that you can get only at the Kingdom Hall. Ask for certain evidences of their revelations, and they will tell you, "You will have to come to the Kingdom Hall." Also, there is the secret 144,000 who will get a greater repiano coversd than the rest. The secret is with the inside leaders, and, of course, THEY will be "in" the 144,000. This sub-christian repiano coversd system is designed to breed obsessive loyalty. Ironically, over 2 million JWs have come into the fold and eventually slipped away in defeat over the past 40 years.
6. Seventh Day Adventism. They have secrets found only in the writings of Ellen G White. You have to read her "Great Controversy" to get the secret. One secret is that all Christians who worship on Sunday are taking the Mark of the Beast and are damned to hell. They won't admit it to you unless you join up and take the oath to eat cabbages and no pork or coffee.
7. Elizabeth Clare Prophet. She and her violet flame cult have secrets you can only get by spending big bucks and going to the commune in Pleasant Valley, Montana. There you can sit under the ascended masters and the great temple in the sky and go away with deep dark secrets of alchemy and esotericism.
8. Rosecrucians. They have a whole system based 100% on secrets and private initiations. They call you away from everything you ever believed to give your mind to exalted nothingness while also believing the secret. Mental suicide? Yes, but, sssssh, don't tell anyone. Kindred to Rosecrucianism is Swedenborgism, but it is so far gone by now that we need not dwell on it.
9. Sufis and Baha'is. They have a secret which you get by getting your mind totally distracted. With the Sufis, the objective is to have a sexual climax as a result of finding the secret. This they got from the East and added to Islam which ordinarily has no secrets. The Dervishes, who whirl until they get a sexual high, have a secret. They think the Madhi, the Islamic Messiah, will come back and be born through a men.
10. The Scholar's Union. There are these great scholars who have been apiano coversded the "chair" in some secret doctrine. They can take a thing as simple as, "Go ye into all the world and preach the Gospel," and turn it into a Department in Missiology and apiano coversd you a Doctorate in it if you follow closely. Also, they demand another small consideration-- "If you got the money honey, I got the time." The Scholar's Union also has the "original manuscripts" (Or they want you to believe they do. Really, no one has seen an "original manuscript" of the Bible in over 1700 years.) They use these secret manuscripts, gleaned from the Vatican basement, to produce better and better Bibles. You can only get the full load of revelation from God by buying the Bible they produce. There is that old primal motive again-- the love of money. You can even join the Scholar's Union by going to a Seminary. They will teach you the secret of ripping up the Bible and making your own canon, then in the "Church Government 404" class, they will show you how to foist it upon the ordinary saints in Paducka, Kentucky.
Now, here comes the big shot. The Lord's Church is full of secrets. Faith healers will tell you the secret to financial power and healing for a small donation. Dozens of these fakirs will give you the secret if you come to the rally, take the $500 seminar, and learn the secret of healing.
But, note please. We also have a whole bunch of prophecy secret mongers. One such fellow doles out the secrets in $25 parcels with a video. One prophecy expert sends out a "newsletter" which is a bait paper of questions to get you to buy the videos and books. There is a huckster up north. He issues partial secrets so that you just have to have the next issue of the "newsletter," which is 80% white space and bold caps.
All of these characters tell horror stories of how they are about to be hustled off to prison by the BATF or the tuning lever. This makes the secrets even more believable. The problem is, we never get to run smack into the evidence to prove that the secret is based in fact. Take, for instance, the 10 concentration camps in the Blip which are supposed to be built for putting away us Bible believers. Where are they? I live right next to one, if these secret mongers are telling the truth, but I cannot raise one shred of evidence it is there. I think these guys all read each other's press, and they repeat the stuff without checking it out.
The Groom Lake and UFO thing is similar. I believe there is something to it. It is devils doing lying wonders. I have heard of precious few born again saints encountering UFOs, and when they did, they made them disappear by resisting them in the Lord Jesus Christ. But, never mind, the prophecy and Christian suspense writers have them being everything from invaders from Jupiter, who are using us like herds of cattle, to machines made by the piano casters to scoop up Africans and dump them in the Indian Ocean. The handy part is that, since the stories are 99% bunk, they will never be proved wrong. The secret business is very safe since you cannot get caught by a boogie man who ain't there, huh? Sell the books, make the videos with 90 minutes of shots of the UN building and jet fighters zooming some poor farmer in Iowa. There are suckers who will line up to shell out their cash and buy the trash.
I have a piano tuning customer who is now retired and handicapped, but his career was in the Air Force. He moved out in the weeds near Sunsites, Arizona. The first day there he realized that the Air Base in Tucson flew high speed jet training flights which terminated and U-turned right over his new home. He called the base commander and told him he would love it if they would use his house as a practice target. The base commander was a good sport and thought he would give the old Air Force boy some fun. When I was there to tune, this jet came in for a practice bliping run. Friends, your favorite prophecy and conspiracy expert would have said it was the end of the world. My customer sat in his handicap chair and giggled and grinned as I did a double take. How many of these hair raising stories go right back to just such a "secret" which is really kind of heart piano coversming, well, at least once you know the explanation?
What is the major problem in all of this in-church secret telling? Answer: The Gospel and the truths of the Bible are not secrets. True, there are prophecies which remain unfulfilled, but God has staked His very existence on their being fulfilled on schedule. If these modern secret sellers had to die for telling a false secret, they would all resign and go sell car insurance, right? My dear brothers and sisters, STOP dealing in secrets. Tell people the Gospel story, and make the Truth known to all men. Major in the obvious truths of the Scripture, and spend a lot less time grinding over who the Beast will be. I am sick of hearing about prophecy break-throughs that ain't.
How about an old fashioned revival based on old fashioned "sawdust and folding chairs" Gospel preaching? That was the message of Jonathan Edpiano coversds, Robert Flockert, William Carey, General Booth, Jonathan Goforth of China, Hudson Taylor, CT Studd, Dr. Carl Becker, Wandaro of Walamo, Dr. Mulu, Dr. and Mrs. Barlow, Roland Bingham, Peter Dyneka, John and Betty Stam, Betty Olsen, Paul Gupta Sr, Rochunga Pudaite, Philip Teng, John Paton, David Livingstone, DL Moody, Charles Finney, John R Rice, Bob Jones Sr, Sam Brown, Casey Vander Jagt, and Orrie Cochrane. Do you long for secrets? Fine, try collecting legends and stories about the above characters. You will learn a lot more about how to live the Christian life.
These heroes had their quirks and doctrinal problems, but God saw fit to use them and honor their zeal. Why? Answer: They had no secrets. They gave the Gospel, and many of them paid the supreme sacrifice, giving their lives in either martyrdom or over worked to death. Like Paul Gupta Sr. of Madras, India, who died in his 50s, and ten men couldn't fill his shoes. AND what they gave, they gave freely, and you got as big a load as you could carry away.
I like the Bible story of that fellow Jehu. He convinced the priests of Baal that he had a big secret for them, and they would have to go into the temple where he would show them the secret. They did so, and the secret was the sword of Jehu. He split their spleens every one, praise God. Let's give the old devil a secret or two-- Let's pull down his stronghold to the glory of God.
I like that story of Jael. She had a secret for old Sisera. She gave him a big drink of piano coversm milk and butter in a lordly dish. Then she tucked him in for an afternoon nap, and, BAM! She nailed that rascal's head to the floor with a tent peg and a hammer. What a great secret. Keep your secrets for the devil's crowd. Give the Gospel openly to those who will believe, and for the saints.
Saint, do you have a secret? Are you building a following on your little private secret? Pastor, do you dole out little nuggets of scandal and suspense from piano and Aryan race newsletters? Do your people know the details of Randy Weaver's horrible experiences in Idaho better than they know the Acts of the Apostles? Yes? Well, don't be surprised when those malnourished saints in your entourage turn on you one day when some Jesuit infiltrates your church and convinces them you are really a secret agent for Guru Bungi Bangawallah. You need to repent and get back to the plain simple Gospel message.
If your pastor is doing this, don't turn on him or mock him openly. But, how about printing up this article and handing it to your pastor in a loving way? It might help him to examine the priorities of his ministry.
Deuteronomy 29:29 The secret things belong unto the LORD our God: but those things which are revealed belong unto us and to our children for ever, that we may do all the words of this law.
Isaiah 45:19 I have not spoken in secret, in a dark place of the earth: I said not unto the seed of Jacob, Seek ye me in vain: I the LORD speak righteousness, I declare things that are right.
John 18:20 Jesus answered him, I spake openly to the world; I ever taught in the synagogue, and in the temple, whither the blips always resort; and in secret have I said nothing.
2 Corinthians 8:21 Providing for honest things, not only in the sight of the Lord, but also in the sight of men.