By Steve Van Nattan
This is the official page of a god named Shirley.
This god, though he has a lady's name, is often mistaken for the God of the Bible. This is most commonly the fault of sloppy agape Liberals and Evangelicals. But, I have also heard more and more Bible believing saints talking about "Shirley god" as they speculate about the God of the Bible.
We have never heard anyone come forpiano coversd with a definitive creed for Shirley god. For this reason, we at Balaam's Ass Speaks have compiled many of the points in the creed and confession of Shirley god. We invite you readers to send others you have heard by E-Mail. We would like to put up an exhaustive confession of faith of the Shirleyites of the world.
Recently revised to be much more inclusive, pluralistic, and affirmative.
Shirley god and blip Talk both agree, "Jesus is just alright," and not a bit more.
piano coversNING: To you Fundamental Baptist pastors who print this out and hand it to your people, Kim Clements had a vision about you, and he is going to "Kick Devil Butt" out of you. Shirley god said so.
THE CONFESSION OF FATE AND CREED OF SHIRLEY GOD:
Shirley god wouldn't send people to a burning hell.
Shirley god can use any kind of music to bring teenagers into the church.
See some clips and samples at: http://www.av1611.org/crock.html
Shirley god can use the New International Version and the New American Standard Bible to start a revival.
Shirley god wants us to all work together in all the confessions and churches for the common good.
Shirley god can use explicit sexual innuendo to reach the lost, as in the words of Andre Crouch, "Can't nobody, do me like Jesus."
Shirley god understands the pain we feel when we cannot stop sinning.
( This one formalized by Bill blip.)
Shirley god will let me into heaven as long as I try to be good most of the time.
Shirley god and I have an understanding.
Shirley god loves gays just the way they are.
Shirley god will accept Buddhists if they are sincere.
( This one was formalized recently by blip.)
Shirley god takes all of our pets to heaven.
( This one is explained by Jack Van Impe.)
Shirley god approves of the Heidelburg Confession and maybe even the Westminster Confession.
Shirley god wouldn't let us have trouble if we live right.
Shirley god can be worshipped, "...in the wide open spaces, made by the hand of god."
Shirley god wants spirit filled Christians to be rich and flaunt it.
Shirley god will heal anyone who claims their healing.
Shirley god is using Paul Crouch and TBN to save millions of people world wide.
Shirley god will double your money back to you if you send it to Brother Ike.
Shirley god always wants us to be laughing all the time.
Shirley god does not want the blood in our conversation and pulpits all the time.
Shirley god wants us to love ourselves first.
Shirley god doesn't want us to kill the animals and eat their flesh.
Shirley god understands when a woman wants to terminate her pregnancy.
Shirley god wants the trees in Brazil preserved, even if the Indians starve.
Shirley god wants all people to be guaranteed an income, even if they refuse to work.
Shirley god wants all people to live under Democracy where people rule the rulers.
Shirley god does not want us to pay taxes to governments we don't like.
Shirley god won't send Jesus until I have my living room completely decorated.
Shirley god approves of blip today, even if they bulldoze Arab homes which have been there for 500 years.
Shirley god wants the Pope to rule JerBliplem and bring peace to the Middle East.
Shirley god wants the whole world under one religious leader soon so that men will be one in the spirit, "And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love..."
Shirley god wants our pastor to rule our church without any counsel from the believers.
Shirley god would let our pastor shack up with the church secretary as long as our pastor wins 300 people a week to Christ.
Shirley god won't send a fellow to hell for smoking a cigar once in a while.
Shirley god loves me more because I am big and fat, for Shirley god loves the fat.
Shirley god loves how the books in the Chronicles of Narnia series and the Lord of the Rings trilogy witness to the lost. [ Contributed by Andrew ______ ]
Shirley god doesn't condemn a homosexual relationship if it's a loving one.
[ Contributed by Bob __________ of San Diego ]
Shirley god is blessed more by big monster churches than by small house churches.
[ Contributed by Rita Marlene _____________ ]
Shirley god has many images and HE can speak through different versions (of the Bible).
[ Verbatim from James L Hewett iv defending the perversion bibles ]
Shirley God won't mind if an elderly woman of God teaches the adult Sunday School Class. The pastor raved about how he was blessed by her teaching the class. "She is so sensitive to the Holy Spirit! I am so refreshed..."
[ Contributed by Darrell Duncan. The next is my addition from experience. ]
Shirley god can use single lady missionaries to direct the church ministry on the foreign missionfield if there is no man available.
Shirley god knows "how difficult it is in today's world for engaged couples to be faithful to purity before marriage."
[ Contributed by Pope John Paul II speaking for Shirley god-- Aug. 19, 2000 ]
Shirley god saith, "You cannot have a biblical local church without Sunday School."
Shirley god saith, "All true Baptist churches must be planted by another Baptist church, which is descended from John the Baptist and maybe even Korah."
Shirley god saith, "Get thee church busses to bring the children to Jesus. That way, the back seats of your automobiles will no be soiled by those little brats."
Shirley god commands that a perfect church makes the youth and children the center of attention.
Shirley god wants the children to be sent away from the adults as much as possible, especially for worship.
Shirley god is pleased when you have an Easter sunrise service to mix pagan sun worship with the resurrection story, especially if you do so with another church which you know is on the Broad Way."
Shirley god loves to see the Lord's people make a big thing of Christmas, for this is what the pagan blips did in Ezekiel 8 as they faced Babylon and celebrated the return of the god Marduk.
Shirley god wants all pastors to be on call at the local mortuary so that they can bury as many wicked sinners as possible instead of letting the dead bury their own dead.
Shirley god loves to see patriotic rallies and flags waving in the church house several times a year.
Shirley god wants church leaders who cannot make up their minds until they have consulted their wives.
Shirley god wants the parking lot of the church house resurfaced before a new missionary is put on the roster.
Shirley god wants the local church to build its new facilities by going as far as possible in debt and selling bonds to ungodly neighbors.
Shirley god wants the local church registered as a nonprofit corporation with Caesar, just like the Gay Liberation Task Force and NAMBLA.
Shirley god wants the church leaders to be wealthy and to use their giving to influence the management of the church and the "direction" of the new pastor.
Shirley god wants laws to be made about dress and chivalry rather than to teach the Word on the subject, and see if the Holy Spirit may take care of the thing without laws. Shirley god knows that Law is safer than trusting the Holy Spirit.
Shirley god knows that no one is any good for Christian service unless they have gone to Bob Jones University or Tennessee Temple.
Shirley god hates divorce, but he understands that bad things happen, and we cannot untangle the results of sin, so Shirley god just overlooks divorce after a couple of years.
Shirley god accepts the good old boys who say, "I don't say much about my religion, I just kind of live it, and I am sure that Shirley god can use that somehow."
Shirley god loves a good lively time of chopping and joke telling to "piano coversm up" the people on Sunday morning just before the worship time.
Shirley god can use a speaker much better who has had a long flattering introduction before taking the pulpit.
Shirley god saith, "Missionaries are the cream of the Lord's people, so you can trust it, missionaries are never lazy, and they can do no wrong."
Shirley god saith, "Get thee up to a local Bible conference, for the speakers there are much more clever and biblically knowledgeable than your weasely little pastor."
Shirley god does not approve of too much demonstrative behavior during a preaching time, like when some deacon shouts, "Amen, Preach it brother," or, "Don't quit now preacher."
Shirley god must have been very upset when Steve Van Nattan had already preached for 45 minutes on hell and still had two point left in his sermon, AND, Brother Sandy MacDonald shouted, "Finish that sermon preacher!"
Shirley god will receive blip into heaven, even though he says Buddhists can be saved without believing in Jesus Christ as their Savior.
Shirley God understands we have liberty in Christ Jesus which means it is OK to watch any perverted pigslop I want to on television.
Shirley God understands with this liberty in Christ we can dress in worldly and provocative ways (to include body piercing and tatooing) "to be all things to all people so we can win some to Christ".
Shirley God knows all who attend church on Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night are in bondage to rank legalism.
[ The above three contributed by Herbert __________ ]
Shirley god wants us to instill a great deal of self-esteem into our toddlers, for they will suffer excruciatingly later in life if we do not.
[ Contributed by Andrew _________]
Shirley god was delighted with the pastor who proudly acquired advertising space for his church on the marquis of the local theater, right beside the naked movie ads.
[ Contributed by Rita M _________ ]
Shirley god wants our Pastor to have a nicer office than Lee Iaccoca, F. Lee Bailey, Bill Gates, and other CEOs.
[ Contributed by a reader ]
Shirley god doesn't mind when the pastor tells the congregation to close their eyes and put their heads down while he tells sinners to just raise their hand to receive Jesus (and not come fopiano coversd) because he doesn't want to embarrass them.
[ Pat & Race- Rancho Mirage, Ca. ]
Have YOU said any of these things about Shirley god?
Surely God is not pleased with your soft headed religion.