A MODEST PROPOSAL BY STEVE VAN NATTAN-- EDITOR: BALAAM'S ASS SPEAKS
The background is the color of Mirana, Arizona-- The landscaping gravel, the houses, the road signs, the telephone boxes-- Friends, you have to believe it to see it, and the houses cost around $120,000 each. Little boxes have turned into luscious boxes, ambient boxes, lovely boxes filled with designer ticky tacky-- all in a row. Now, let me back up a bit. Some of the homes INSIDE are quite creative, but, honest, you really could forget where your home is and have to consult a roving cop for directions.
Enough of that. Let's talk about golf neighborhoods. I tune pianos in a designer neighborhood nearby. Every street in named for a famous golfer, and the main streets are named for golf country clubs. There is Lopez street, Player, Hogan, and Palmer Drives, etc. Right in the middle of the community is-- what else?-- A golf club. Golf carts abound, and I suspect some of them are driven by old codgers who never swung a caddy in their life.
Now, this is all fine and dandy I suppose, and I imagine there are a couple dozen of these designer neighborhoods around the USA. But, I am concerned that this could get to be a bit dull eventually. What is needed is new ideas in designer neighborhoods.
Why not a neighborhood for famous garbage collectors. There would be Hector Street named for Hector the garbage collector. There would be Jefferson Street and Jones Street-- both famous garbage collectors. The main boulevard of town would of course be named Agajanian Blvd, after the famous Los Angeles business man who became king of garbage collecting. Right in the middle of this fine community should be a land fill of course. Also, the chamber of commerce should put out incentives to get Mac Donalds, Jack in the Box, and Wendys to build greasy spoons. The community could be even more enhanced by requiring every home to have a junk car out back and a busted washing machine on the front porch as they do in western Kentucky. All building materials should be labeled "rejected" of "inferior."
How about a community named for famous mail men? Street signs would have their names on mail boxes and drinking fountains in drop boxes. I would lobby for my friend, Don Seavey, to have a street, and former Postmaster Gilmore of Chicago ought to have an expressway for catching the loafers who refused to pick up mail? The main Blvd would be named Postmaster General Farley Way.
Now, I will not be offended if it takes a few years for these ideas to catch on. I realize this a a rather progressive idea, but I think Al Gore and Hillary should seriously consider backing this concept. And, I shall not be offended if I am not given credit. Jimmy Cawta and I just humbly give this idea away to humanity.
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