THE LIGHTER SIDE


Light Bulbs? Or Dim Wits?



1. How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, since his / her hands are in the air anyway.

Or... Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to bind the spirit of darkness.

And... Call the electrician to come lower the fixture since none of them can get up off of the floor.

At Brownsville... Last Sunday the wife of a worship leader gave birth to a spirit light bulb down front on the carpet while the crowd yelled, "Push, Push.

 

1.5 [ From a reader ] How many New Orleans Baptist Seminary freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?

NONE! That's the sophomore class!

 

2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?

None.

God has predestined when the light will be on.

Or...Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the five point instructions

and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed: 1. T- Turn the light switch off. 2. U- Unscrew the bulb. 3.  L- Limit the number of helpers. 4.  I- Insist on minimum excitement. 5.  P- Put the new bulb in the basement and go out for highballs.
In any case, we need a PhD to help us be sure we understand the instructions.



3. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

Change???  Blasphemy!



4. How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.



5. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?

One.  

But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.  

Ask for offer number 374, and we will send you an autographed photo of our new light bulb.  Place your checkbook on the photo every night, and in the morning, your checking account will be doubled.  


6. How many Independent Fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.

Or...  If they are from the IFCA, they discussed changing light bulbs at the January business meeting, and the motion was tabled indefinitely.

 

 

7. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists.

Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might sit in darkness.

 

 

8. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They always use candles.

Or... The acolyte lost the matches.

 

8.5 How many Popes does it take to change a light bulb.

The following Papal Bull was issued:
"God has shown me that the true and genuine bulb is so well seen in me, your Holy Father, that you can make of me nothing else than the true light bulb to all men. Thus, the old bulb can be ignored as you concentrate on me, the light of the world to you. I am indeed your ALTER LIGHT BULB."
Paraphrased from Pope Boniface VIII



9. How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But "soon all those around can warm up to its glowing."



10. How many members of an established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten:

One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.



11. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?

This statement was issued:

"We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb.   However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-lived, and tinted-- all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

12.  How many Catholic Cardinals does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer:  Five.  One to stand on the altar and hold the bulb while the other four turn the altar.
 
13.  How many Bob Jones University graduates does it take to change a light bulb?
One.  He holds the bulb in the socket, and the world revolves around him.



14.  How many Bible Baptist Fellowship preachers are needed to change a light bulb?

Five.

One to take an offering for the building and supplies budget.
One to take an offering for the janitorial staff salaries.

One to take an offering for "send the light" ministries.

One to "church" the guy who didn't show up to help change the light bulb.

One to find a deacon and ask him to change the bulb.



15.  How many mission board leaders needed to change a light bulb?

Eight.

One to call a board meeting so that 18 reports on light bulb changing can be issued.
One to speak at the plenary session of the IFMA world congress on Light Changing
.
One to do a survey of the field and the potential for changing light bulbs.

One to challenge the light bulb changers to be always ready to change light bulbs.

One to call an ecumenical council in Bangkok to lay out guidelines for changing lights bulbs "into the year 2000 and beyond."

One to present the need for light bulbs to the various Foundations which fund missions projects.

One to ask the visiting plumber, who came to fix the toilet, if he would change the light bulb after he fixes the toilet.
One to go on furlough.



16.  How many PhDs are needed to change a light bulb?

Ten:

One to set up a research project in light bulb potentials now as compared with the potentials previously when the former bulb was still working.
One to seek grants and funding from HUD for the research.
One to write a book on the subject of "Light Bulbs and Change" for the Library of Congress.

One to appear before the Senate Committee investigating fraud in light bulb production. The public needs to know who is making these bulbs which burn out.
One to assign a lab assistant to change the bulb while he, the PhD, teaches "Light Bulb Changing 401" at MIT.
One to file reports on the new light bulb's performance with the Public
Utilities Commission.
One to get fired for failing to install a black light bulb under affirmative action guidelines.

One to be called to chair the Presidents Council on Light Bulb Use and Management In The 21st Century In The Context Of Environmental Dark Side Potentials--

LBUM21ITCITCOEDSP
One to serve on the Commission to Investigate Saddam Hussein's Secret Exploding Light Bulbs.
One to make the coffee.



17.  How many union electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

Eleven:

One to clear the area of debris.
One to procure a light bulb.

One to stock and inventory light bulbs.

One to set up the ladder.

One safety inspector to read all the labels on the ladder, the instructions on the light bulb package, and the OSHA regulations on Light Bulb Changing and explain this to the other electricians in a 3 week training class.

One to be shop steward and make sure each electrician does only his job and file grievances with management when electricians are asked to work too many 
hours changing the light bulb.
One to hold the shovel.

One to run for sandwiches.

One to sit on the negotiating and bargaining group with management to seek higher pay and ladders, as well as hazard pay for working over 2 feet high.

One to hide in the janitor's closet and blow pot.

One to make sure all eleven job slots are taken so management will not think fewer men
could do this job.

 

18.  How many New Agers needed to change a light bulb?

Five:

One to lecture on the esoteric paradigm shifts during eclipses of light bulbs.
One to channel Seth on the subject of Light Bulbs.
One to teach Light Bulb Potentials at Esalen.
One to chant the light bulb mantra at the ashram.
One to cancel the light bulb changing event since light would illuminate the subject and destroy the illusion.

 

19.  How many Hindus does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer:  No matter how many you have, none will change the bulb since they can all procrastinate doing it until the next reincarnation.

 

20. How many Hyles graduates needed to change a light bulb in the church foyer?

Ninety Seven:

One to change the light bulb.
One to sell "100% for Hyles" buttons to everyone present.
One to teach the class called "Restoring Fallen Preachers" when the guy changing the bulb falls off the ladder.
95 to stand around in the corners of the foyer asking each other, "How many Sunday School busses do you have going out brother?"



21.  How many Promise Keepers does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven:

One to scream and cheer the others on.
One to confess the sins of shoddy light bulb workmanship by his ancestors.
One to threaten any pastors who didn't show up at the bulb changing rally.
One to sell T-Shirts to the rest.
One to change the bulb.
One to say "Huh?" when the light goes out-- he forgot to bring his little candle to light.
One to invite Farrakhan to help change the bulb, then deny to the press that he ever did it-- "See our doctrinal statement."

      

22. How many Chinamen does it take to change a light bulb?

Fourteen:

One to buy a US made light bulb in San Francisco and take it to China.
One to dismantle the light bulb and make an exact copy of it.
One to take the new Chinese bulb back to the USA.
One to trade it with Bill Clinton for a Naval base in Long Beach.
One to get caught in the White House slipping a sample light bulb to Al Gore.
One to take the Chinese light bulb back to china.
One to sell the Chinese light bulb to a noodle factory in Shanghai.
One to return to the USA and convince CBS and CNN that the Chinese light bulb is really a symbol of international co-operation and good will.
One to address the United Nations General Assembly and accuse the USA of making an inferior light bulb in the first place, thus causing the Shanghai noodle factory to experience a light bulb failure and go bankrupt.
One to accept the apology of the US State Department for the failure of the noodle factory.
One to go to Washington and accept a check for $400,000,000 for a new noodle factory in Shanghai.
One to slip Bill Clinton a cut of $15,000 for the Democratic Party Campaign fund.
One to buy four ranches in Texas with the rest of the $400,000,000.
One lonely capitalist Chinaman in Hunan who quietly herded his ducks during this whole debacle and is now able to light his house with Japanese light bulbs.

      

23.  How many Freemasons does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, I cannot tell you--  It's a secret known only to the 33rd degree.

      

24. How many Gavin Frost "School of Wicca" witches does it take to change a light bulb?

"Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete
"Witches' Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYwhere!
Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin  who..."

 

25. How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?

Five.

The old man to change the bulb, and his four wives to tell him how to do it.

 

26. How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?

Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved -- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

 

27. How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?

"Heresy, blasphemy," cries Joseph Yonder. Well, unless you have a light bulb on the tractor, and only if it is run by an air powered generator of course.

 

28. How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The lights are on but no one's home.

 

29. How many Four Square members does it take to change a light bulb?

One. One ordained lady light bulb changer to change the light bulb, while 15 men sit on the front row with a dumb grin on their faces.

 

30. How many Militia does it take to change a light bulb?

Four:
One to change the light bulb.

One to identify the Federal Conspiracy which put the light out by UFO stealth attacks from Groom lake.

One to give a lie detector test the the bulb changer to make sure he is not a Federal Agent.

One to bring the Bud and Jack Daniels.

One to... Uh Oh! I KNEW there was a Fed in here!

 

I read it in the Newspaper!!

From: k&lgish@mail.ameritel.net (Gish)

--------- Begin forwarded message ----------

From: willhoyle@juno.com

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child.
Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school.
Experience preferred.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.
Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special --
Turkey $2.35;
Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced
and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery.
We do it carefully by hand.

Have several very old dresses
from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Vacation Special:
have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
Zap  does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.  
Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale.
Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter.
Excellent growth potential.

Wanted.
Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size,
unmatched in variety,  
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine
and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Jolly Olde England

                           

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

__

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

__

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

__

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN.
ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.
(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT.
PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

__

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES,
WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG
AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

__

Sign outside a new town hall
which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.
IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED.
OPEN TOMORROW.

__

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH:
IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

__

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING.
NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

__

Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND.
ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

__

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH
LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS
WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES
BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD
TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.

__

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE
FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

__

Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.
YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

__

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

__

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

__

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

__

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD
FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

__

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ,
THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

__

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR -
THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

__

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER
AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

I am my own grandpa! j

Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.


This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!


Psychiatric Hotline Main Menu

Hello and welcome to the psychiatric hotline

-If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
-If you are co-dependent, please ask someone else to press 2.
-If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
-If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line, so we can trace the call.
-If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press.
-If you are manic-depreasive, It doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.

 

     

 

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